I opened my inbox today and the email sitting at the top of it was titled, Reinvent Your Life in 30 Days.

‍My initial reaction was: That sounds absolutely fucking exhausting. So of course I read it.

It kicked off with an email a reader (a man in his early 30s) had sent in. He was talking about how he had checked all the things off his list and still wasn’t happy. And he  felt like he should be happy. On top of it all, the reader felt like they had invested so much into this life path that even though they wanted to change things, they felt like it would be too late, too expensive, etc. 

This totally resonated with me. I hear this from so many clients. That they feel behind, that they should be further along, that life just isn’t lighting them up. And to be honest, I’ve even spent some time in that place myself. 

The reader’s story is a universal one, so I got curious about what the writer would suggest that they do. 

First, the writer said, “Reframe the problem.” Basically, the idea that feeling like it was too late was a myth and you just need to look at things differently. 

Ok, I’ll buy that. Reframing things or as I like to say, getting a different perspective on it, can be a huge help when it comes to seeing all your options in front of you.

His next bit of advice is where he and I started moving in wildly different directions from each other. 

He immediately jumped into the idea that this man needed to “reinvent” himself. But because we all have a fear of reinvention, it’s a problem that we need to solve fast – in 30 days no less. And all we have to do is fill out a matrix about where we are and where we want to go. And then take 30 minutes, every day for 30 days, and take action on who we want to reinvent ourselves to be. 

I think he lost me somewhere around reinvention and rest faded in vague “life-coach” speak. 

Y’all. First, I don’t care if you show up for 30 minutes every single day for 30 days taking actions you think will move you forward. If you haven’t worked on the root of the issue or what’s running underneath the surface, all the actions in the world aren’t going to bring you the change or the life you want.

‍Second, Merriam Webster defines reinvention as: to make as if for the first time something already invented; to remake or redo completely.

‍Why are we throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Why are we discrediting our lived experience and our wisdom? 

‍Why does self-help culture keep pushing this idea that we have to optimize our lives, be better, more successful, level up, do all the things in order to be happy? It’s simply not true. It’s something pushed at us time and time again, but the things the writer lists off don’t even make my top 20 list of things that we need to have a fulfilling and meaningful life.

So while I appreciate that this writer is trying to give the reader some tools to sort his brain out on paper – because self-awareness combined with critical action is super helpful when it comes to change – he’s missing some massive pieces of the puzzle.

If I had gotten this email, here’s how I would’ve responded: 

Dear reader,

From what From what you’re writing, it sounds like you have a lot going on right now and that so much of it isn’t lighting you up anymore. 

I want to take a second and pause to say that just you paying attention to that agitation – to the feeling that something is off – is huge. 

People will go through their entire lives shoving that discomfort into a box and you’ve had the courage to look at it head on. 

I also recognize that a ton of big life decisions were made when you were still really young: law school, clerking, big law. And the person who made those decisions then isn’t the same person who is writing this email. It was a life created with the awareness, experience and tools that you had at the time. And for a while it worked, until it didn’t.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes, we just outgrow what we wanted and it’s time for a recalibration. 

It may be really tempting to think your way through this. To hit it head on and find a way to make the volume on the agitation go down.

I get it. And…I would say the opposite. This is the perfect time to slow down and sit with it rather than try to fix it and find a solution right away.

Usually, when we end up in places where our current life feels like it’s a total mismatch for who we want to be, we skip ahead to problem solving without taking the time to ask ourselves, who is the person trying to solve this problem? 

‍What do I value now and how is that different from the past version of me?

How do I want to feel moving forward? What intentions do I want to plant?

‍In our rush to “reinvent” ourselves, we forget to ask the questions: Who was I? Who am I? and Who do I want to be in the future? 

If we don’t slow down and get clear on what feels like the basics, our beautiful brains will keep making decisions from the places that feel familiar and safe. And to create change and transformation, we actually need to be operating from the unknown, from the who we want to become, not the who we've always been. 

This doesn’t mean we have to burn everything down. There’s a ton of wisdom from your lived life up until this point. You’re just taking a moment to decide what to keep, what to update and what to let go. 

You asked, What would you do if you were in my shoes?

‍Well, as a 47 year old woman, we’re probably having a wildly different experience. 

But for me, I’d remind myself that I don’t have to have all the answers today. 

That even at 47, it’s not too late to change. 

That living a meaningful and fulfilling life is important – and that no one except me can tell me what that will look like.  

And then I’d find a really good coach to help me sort through it all. Someone who can see things from a different angle and ask fantastic questions because I am the expert of my own life. I’m the only one who can figure out what is going to be right for me. 

–Jessica

I’d love to know what your thoughts are. 

If someone in their 20s or early 30s came up to you and said I’m not happy with my life, what would you tell them? What have you learned over the years? 

No matter what age you are, you have more wisdom than you realize. 

‍I'd love if you wanted to share some of it with me here.

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